Explosions in the Sky

In less than 3 days, I will embark back to the place I fell madly I love with. Yes, some of you have guessed it; Utica, NY. Now it's not that I do not love Clarksville in the least. Its just that Utica just calls to me, and I am sure I am the most cornest person talking about Utica like a Warrior Poet, but it does!! I still get surprised with stuff in Clarksville though, Like hwy 48/13. Baffled by it. But it's not the same.

Alot of my friends in Utica are worried (As well as Clarksville) and I totally understand their concern, for both parties - his and mine. But its really hard to explain to someone who has never truely experienced it.
You are living, not being with them where you can go to your own corner but with them almost 24/7, with this person for a year and some change. You have spilled things to this person that you have told other people but it matters how this person takes this information. When you hear their voice, even after the roof came off, you heart still beats hard.
Why is it beating hard? Why do your palms still get sweaty when you get nervous around this person? Why do you get "high" when you sing "Congradulations" by Blue October and remember him dancing? Shouldn't you forget him dancing? Shouldn't you stop looking to see if the gas station sells OM because that person they dont sell that beer in the south? When you are with another person (sorry...) shouldn't they be the one who you think about when you close your eyes and not him? Why Him???
Because deep down, you know you are Soul Mates.

When I am here, in Clarksville, I just feel alive.
When I am there, in Schuyler/Utica, I feel like Im home. And frankly, being an Army Brat who moved every two years of half of her life (the really crucial times - fuck High School) home is a wierd feeling.
Its hard to explain.

But the Lord Willing, I am going to just go with the flow and have faith that this will work out, the second time around.


I want to be with him, no matter where we are. Utica, NYC, Schuyler, anywhere. I want to see explosions in the sky with him. Three more days

Step 2. Reformat

It never fails me when I get touched with indecisiveitus (totally a maus term). In Step 1. I mentioned my plan of action. Today, Wednesday, I decided not to enlist and just go to school the loan way. This decision makes it easier for me to go hike all 210 miles of the John Muir Trail with daddy while his body permits.
However, the goal is still the same: become an Art Therapist.

I had accompanied my sister in her very stressful quest to register for classes (the hardest part about college I feel) and even though we were in a military focused community college, I felt inspired to go to school more than to enlist. Knowing me I might change my mind again.
Let's see what step 3. leads to.

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Step 1. Think About It

Today, being Monday, the last full week of October, I am laying out my plans for life, I guess?

I have a jist on what I want - to be an Art Therapist- and I might have an idea on how to become one.

It's all about hoop jumping, as my Aunt calls it. So the hoops I want to put in place are the following:
[x] Obtain proof of birth
[ in progress] Study high school subjects to refresh mind for test
[thinking Air Force] Decide which branch of the Military to enlist in
[] Serve the term
[] Go to School for Psychology (Easier and more realistic in AF than Army)
[] Use G.I. Bill to continue school
[] Go to NYU for Art Therapy.


I might have to delete or rearrange my hoops but I am thinking this is a good route.
And noting that I am considering Air Force, this will probablly make alot of people happy since they feel I should NOT join the Army. Well nut buster for ya, I will join the Army after all of this because I want to be an Art Therapist for the Army.


My mother teaches on an Army base and the stories she tells me of these children kill me.


But time is not on my side, so Step 2. will have to commence at a later time.

duces.

here comes the danger

The danger of letting your walls down.
Taking a Sasha Gray approach is so much simpler.
But where truly is your spontaneity then if you choose not to go to war? To not battle for what you want?
To not expose everything you have for the sake of sharing?

I'm going at it again and my fears are over taking me. I feel I could ruin what I've gained. Why are you so lucky? Why did you throw it away? Why do I still have a hole?! Will it mend when I embrace him for the first time in 5 years? And what if it doesn't? What if i can't move forward?

I want to ask you for help so badly but I fear I've lost that right when I moved away...

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it's mostly my fault

And I feel like singing sad songs all night.

I miss that thunder, spark, and blanket feeling. I miss everything. But then everything makes me angry!
second chances. Who is to say you can't have one. Is it worth the risk? Is trying again with another worth the risk? Is there an exception?
I have too be exited that I can find myself and figure out my life without having to consider thee other party...but what if I never snap out of that? What if I cannot ever consider the other? Why must I be set in my ways?
It was mostly my fault.

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I'm free

Everything happens for a reason and even though that reason seems to be a miss, I strive to figure it out.
For a year, I have been wondering what the hell that reason was. I might have figured it out, I could be wrong. But I know for a fact that I am not wrong. Try to tear me down all you want, you no longer have that power over me. Reason? Never, ever, ever let a man, in this instants a boy, abuse me again. Never let him tell me I can't be independent because in doing so you are not fully committed. Never allow a man tell me I might fail, in anything. Never allow that same man try and tell me that I am f*cking with his head because I no longer love him and that I can't be with him anymore. And figuritively drag me back and by using my fears against me.
In this very fast year, I have grown so much, despite the fact that the same man tells me that I am immature because I can't work this "bump" out. Last time I checked, alcoholism isn't a tiny "bump". It is a very serious illness and I have asked that same man, whom I crazily still care for, to go to AA meetings, and he didn't want to. He didn't seem to want to change...
And I'm the evil one. God sends angels in all shapes and sizes, I could have been his, but the devil had his hands over some peoples' eyes and no one saw that. But I know there is truth to that, considering others see that.
Nonetheless, I have learned so much from this, and I thank God for it.
I would never wish my worst enemy to go through what I did, and I pray his next one is the one for him. And that they are happy.

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Fable

Yeah the title its based off the XBox 360 game but it along with bicycle riding are a few things Beau and I are doing together. Even though we had our fall out, we are striving to make things work, and they are!
Our new kitten helps things along, too .
And I have to say I am excited to hear from Amanda again. God I miss being home...

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