Explosions in the Sky

In less than 3 days, I will embark back to the place I fell madly I love with. Yes, some of you have guessed it; Utica, NY. Now it's not that I do not love Clarksville in the least. Its just that Utica just calls to me, and I am sure I am the most cornest person talking about Utica like a Warrior Poet, but it does!! I still get surprised with stuff in Clarksville though, Like hwy 48/13. Baffled by it. But it's not the same.

Alot of my friends in Utica are worried (As well as Clarksville) and I totally understand their concern, for both parties - his and mine. But its really hard to explain to someone who has never truely experienced it.
You are living, not being with them where you can go to your own corner but with them almost 24/7, with this person for a year and some change. You have spilled things to this person that you have told other people but it matters how this person takes this information. When you hear their voice, even after the roof came off, you heart still beats hard.
Why is it beating hard? Why do your palms still get sweaty when you get nervous around this person? Why do you get "high" when you sing "Congradulations" by Blue October and remember him dancing? Shouldn't you forget him dancing? Shouldn't you stop looking to see if the gas station sells OM because that person they dont sell that beer in the south? When you are with another person (sorry...) shouldn't they be the one who you think about when you close your eyes and not him? Why Him???
Because deep down, you know you are Soul Mates.

When I am here, in Clarksville, I just feel alive.
When I am there, in Schuyler/Utica, I feel like Im home. And frankly, being an Army Brat who moved every two years of half of her life (the really crucial times - fuck High School) home is a wierd feeling.
Its hard to explain.

But the Lord Willing, I am going to just go with the flow and have faith that this will work out, the second time around.


I want to be with him, no matter where we are. Utica, NYC, Schuyler, anywhere. I want to see explosions in the sky with him. Three more days

Step 2. Reformat

It never fails me when I get touched with indecisiveitus (totally a maus term). In Step 1. I mentioned my plan of action. Today, Wednesday, I decided not to enlist and just go to school the loan way. This decision makes it easier for me to go hike all 210 miles of the John Muir Trail with daddy while his body permits.
However, the goal is still the same: become an Art Therapist.

I had accompanied my sister in her very stressful quest to register for classes (the hardest part about college I feel) and even though we were in a military focused community college, I felt inspired to go to school more than to enlist. Knowing me I might change my mind again.
Let's see what step 3. leads to.

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Step 1. Think About It

Today, being Monday, the last full week of October, I am laying out my plans for life, I guess?

I have a jist on what I want - to be an Art Therapist- and I might have an idea on how to become one.

It's all about hoop jumping, as my Aunt calls it. So the hoops I want to put in place are the following:
[x] Obtain proof of birth
[ in progress] Study high school subjects to refresh mind for test
[thinking Air Force] Decide which branch of the Military to enlist in
[] Serve the term
[] Go to School for Psychology (Easier and more realistic in AF than Army)
[] Use G.I. Bill to continue school
[] Go to NYU for Art Therapy.


I might have to delete or rearrange my hoops but I am thinking this is a good route.
And noting that I am considering Air Force, this will probablly make alot of people happy since they feel I should NOT join the Army. Well nut buster for ya, I will join the Army after all of this because I want to be an Art Therapist for the Army.


My mother teaches on an Army base and the stories she tells me of these children kill me.


But time is not on my side, so Step 2. will have to commence at a later time.

duces.

here comes the danger

The danger of letting your walls down.
Taking a Sasha Gray approach is so much simpler.
But where truly is your spontaneity then if you choose not to go to war? To not battle for what you want?
To not expose everything you have for the sake of sharing?

I'm going at it again and my fears are over taking me. I feel I could ruin what I've gained. Why are you so lucky? Why did you throw it away? Why do I still have a hole?! Will it mend when I embrace him for the first time in 5 years? And what if it doesn't? What if i can't move forward?

I want to ask you for help so badly but I fear I've lost that right when I moved away...

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it's mostly my fault

And I feel like singing sad songs all night.

I miss that thunder, spark, and blanket feeling. I miss everything. But then everything makes me angry!
second chances. Who is to say you can't have one. Is it worth the risk? Is trying again with another worth the risk? Is there an exception?
I have too be exited that I can find myself and figure out my life without having to consider thee other party...but what if I never snap out of that? What if I cannot ever consider the other? Why must I be set in my ways?
It was mostly my fault.

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I'm free

Everything happens for a reason and even though that reason seems to be a miss, I strive to figure it out.
For a year, I have been wondering what the hell that reason was. I might have figured it out, I could be wrong. But I know for a fact that I am not wrong. Try to tear me down all you want, you no longer have that power over me. Reason? Never, ever, ever let a man, in this instants a boy, abuse me again. Never let him tell me I can't be independent because in doing so you are not fully committed. Never allow a man tell me I might fail, in anything. Never allow that same man try and tell me that I am f*cking with his head because I no longer love him and that I can't be with him anymore. And figuritively drag me back and by using my fears against me.
In this very fast year, I have grown so much, despite the fact that the same man tells me that I am immature because I can't work this "bump" out. Last time I checked, alcoholism isn't a tiny "bump". It is a very serious illness and I have asked that same man, whom I crazily still care for, to go to AA meetings, and he didn't want to. He didn't seem to want to change...
And I'm the evil one. God sends angels in all shapes and sizes, I could have been his, but the devil had his hands over some peoples' eyes and no one saw that. But I know there is truth to that, considering others see that.
Nonetheless, I have learned so much from this, and I thank God for it.
I would never wish my worst enemy to go through what I did, and I pray his next one is the one for him. And that they are happy.

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Fable

Yeah the title its based off the XBox 360 game but it along with bicycle riding are a few things Beau and I are doing together. Even though we had our fall out, we are striving to make things work, and they are!
Our new kitten helps things along, too .
And I have to say I am excited to hear from Amanda again. God I miss being home...

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turning point

stop. Take a second to evaluate everything. List your goals. Where do they take you? Far I hope.

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Blastfest!!!

Music. Beer. Campfire. and More Beer.

This is the jist of Blastfest, and this will be my first official one. I am really excited about it too!!! Tents are popping up. People are confirming invites. And I have my lovely bottle of Jack Daniel's!! Representing Tennessee, ya'll!! :) super stoked for the fun tomorrow night!

a positive one

I cant ever understand why School is such a hardship. More so how to get to where you want to go.
I am talking about how difficult it is just to get anywhere in the School world.

So I used to go to this college and I am suppose to graduate with a bachelor degree this May. On my birthday no less. But I stopped trying last year. Plus I was not sure that I wanted to continue studying psychology. What with all the difficulty I was having with the professors and my shyness to ask questions and all, I was not really excited about school anymore.

Then I move to New York and I have this goal to go back in a year, all gravy, just pick up where you left off. NO.

Not that easy. I have this one class I need to take over and instead of just starting off where I left off, I need to reapply and then pay out of state Tuition!!! That's $6000 more than instate! all for one class too!

But with some crazy whim I had the courage to keep on it and pass through my shyness and I got it all figured out. Take a Class here and then transfer that credit over and complete my associates degree! woohoo!!!

So I am pondering on what I should take. I wish I knew what I want to do in my life. How hard is that really?

♥

5 years maybe?

Its creeping up to "Wedding Season" as I call it. Spring and Summer. No I'm not engaged but I'm gett'n the fever. It just clicked. So I have been looking up dresses and all day at work I have been thinking about where to have it at. The Wedding I mean.


First and Top choice is Our Yard. It's perfect because there is a runway of field encased by tall trees to block the wind. and it's as if it was created to house rows of white seats and still have enough room for an isle♥

Second choice is Beardslee Castle in Mohawk. We went there when my Sister came to visit me. I was told it was a haunted place where you can eat in the dungeon and such.




Well people also Hold Weddings there. Right now, it's not an attractive structure but when the greenage comes out, from the pictures I've seen, it's amazing!!!

And then there is this State Called Maine that Beau Raves about but I have never been too. Or Maybe Cooperstown. But I'm not sure how I fit into the Family Structure enough to consider Cooperstown. I'm not sure about those two.


And now the wedding dress.
ok ok I've been thinking now more and more because Beau's Aunt is getting married and I'm truly happy for her ♥. Well now I'm getting excited Even though That isn't an option at the moment. I guess the real reason I'm getting excited is that I want to go to school in Ithaca for Massage Therapy. Well i'd have to move there for the 7 months of the program and I was worried that Beau would get worried, for the obvious. His girlfriend lives two hours away.

Well. If I was his Wife, it would be a much different Story. And he likes that idea. So That was all the fuel I needed for my fire !

Dresses I like so Far:
Dress by Michelle Roth
Dress by Claire-Pettibone
Dress by Pnina Tornai





Pricing shouldn't be an issue since I have about 5 years to plan this. That's enough time right?
Plus it will give me enough time to plan. All my family and all of his. And maybe really close Friends. I have an Idea for a photographer. I'd say my Dad, but he has an Important Job, I hope she says yes.

That's the Jist and I had to Blog it.
♪

Spring!!!

As of March 20th, 2010, Spring has officially begun and this is my first Spring in Central New York. ♥ I can honestly say that I am very excited to see what it looks like.

Yet as I write this blog, I try to look up pictures to add caption to what I;m talking about. However, I am very shocked to not be able to find any pictures! ALAS!!
well I will make that my mission then this Spring.

[On a different Note]
My snake, APIMPNAMEDSLICKBACK A.K.A. Mr Snakers or Tessla, has a cold and is not eating. I cannot get her to eat. Then I cannot tell if she is shedding or not because her eyes say she is but she is "shedding" for the past multiple months. Her eyes are not the right color and they look like they have scales over them. ugh. I need to Snake Vet!!!









But back to my Spring Note, I am very Excited! I hope CNY Spring is as good as a Clarksville Spring. I have had about 12 Clarksville Springs, and We have an event called Rivers and Spires which happens in April.




I always enjoyed driving down Madison Street and seeing all the trees a blooming and the many colors that were surfacing from the brown Tennessee winters leave behind.



This is a photo of a campus Building of Austin Peay State University.


Anyways I have a new mission.
♪ Photography op ♫

It's Actually a Carlton. Le sigh

In response to my own blog post, My bike is actually a guy bike. Why it has the word "Catalina" on it is beyond me. But I came across this info while my BF's father was helping me put air in the tire. He pointed out to me that Girl Bikes have the top bar slant just a bit so we could just throw our legs through the bars, instead of over like one would do with a Horse.








Also it works better if you decide to be cute and ride with a skirt.
So I have a boy bike which I am slightly too short for!!!
However, I love it none the less and in Kirke's Junk Shop, as I call it, We found this metal thing that goes over the back wheel and becomes another spot to carry things on. I already have a front basket on it.
♥ So cute ♥

It's Still a Raging bitch to get up that hill. poor 3 speed. My goal is to be able to get up that hill and all the way up to Brown Road. then there is the challenge of going down new port. such a lon long slant of a road. It's only 9.9 miles!!! I can do that!!!

Catalina

Bing has been my thing as of Late. Very Helpful. But I still love you Google. Not going to say let me "Bing" That. it'll always be "Google" that. [you even get Capitalization according to my firefox spell check]
Anyways.

So I recently just bought a new bicycle ♥ and it is a Huffy, model Catalina. Alas, I can not find any info on Catalina, all by itself. But I think it's suppose to be a girl version of the Carlton.










Here is my goal with this bike.

I want to Bike to work [The Balkan] from where I live. It's about a 9.9 mi bike Ride. I'm hoping with this training, I will be ready for the Boilermaker Race.

It's a marathon but all that running for training makes my knees sad. So I figured biking that much with 114 days left my fat heart will be up for the Challenge.9.3 mile race :) It's a huge deal up here. I did not participate Last year but this year I want to :)
So I am really hopeful that I get motivated enough to train, this bike is suppose to help.

Afghanistan. Figuratively.

So As of Late I have been trying to exercise more. And I think I have been successful, in the idea. Plus, I found [with the help of my co workers] a bike shop. This adorable man might be the answer I'm looking for.
If this bike is fixable, I will be able to [here goes my theories again] bike from Graham Road all the way to Genesee Street. Now. All I need to find is the bike routes.

And Afghanistan how?

Well. whathadhappenwas. So Beau and I had a tiff and all was ok right, I lost my phone in the snow and Schuyler has snow man. let me tell you. But the snow has melted and I haven't found my phone yet. Well. I found it. Parts of it. In the House. Under the Heater. So I am at a Dilemma. How should I confront him?

Normally I fight. I hit. I yell. I get crazy. But I do Not want to be that kind of person anymore. You could say I want to Ask God For The Answers. But normally I have amazing gut feelings. And I knew he Broke it. I knew it.

It is my link to the world. To my family. And I hurt because I am taking this pretty hard.

It's just a phone you puss. No. No it's not about the phone. That was an item of mine and he destroyed it. He destroyed me in a small sense. Oh you are just to attached to material things. well Sir. I feel we are at a draw then, because you have a different view about this than I do. I have gone through two phones with you, which you have broken. Broken sir by means of obliteration. Anger management might be in your future if you want this to work.

Am I just being silly?

oh Jesus. help.

For such a SunShining Day, My Sun went away Early.

Nothing Compares to You

Of course I will always say that this quote is about Beau, but Music was on my mind when I wrote that.
For the past week, my little sister came and visited me and I haven't been this thrilled about family visits ever. Call it lame, but I won't lie. It's kinda lonely here. Only 'cuz I don't have my family here or my friends.
I feel I'm losing relationships while being here.
This is my new chapter though, and I'm not being a lil bitch I promise with the venting, just saying. Does not change the void that is kind of forming.
Sure, Beau is here for me. Despite who I am, he is my rock and is oddly understanding. Once I am a functioning human.
I just am angry and I am sending this thought for a blog angry bolts. There Take That!!!

Drowning it all out with some good dosage of GirlTalk. mmmm


and sadly. my snake has a chest cold.
GET WELL APIMPNAMEDSLICKBACK!!!!

should we touch the spirit man?

I am watching TABOO: Nudity, and in Japan,they believe it is good luck to touch a naked man. And the Naked Man must reach the shrine and survive the mob of ten thousand man in 300 yards. crazyness.

But right now as I watch Japan in Chaos to rid themselves of Bad luck and the misfortune of this Man's Quest, I am totally at ease.
I'm more calm than I have been in awhile. I am so excited that my sister is flying up from Tennessee to see me.

I want to exercise. Then I want to read my new library books on my project. But Not enough time in the day. le sigh.

On a lighter note, Me and Kirke are amazing. simple. I need more time with him though.
And my snake has been fed. She's sleeping a lot now.

I had the mind set to write, but now I am too drained in the Television.

The Joy of Crayola

For Christmas this year, Kirke got me a huge box of crayons.






And of course I had to organize them by law of roygb :) All 120 of 'em.





And these little buddles of wax are my inspiration for my newest project.
I want to use the bright rich colors of some of my crayons and find their match out in the world.

I'll update more later.

I love complication

It never fails. that life should be complicated
So This is my second blogger account and that cracks me up. I hope if I dont use it in awhile that it'll get deleted. le sigh. lucky for me I'm not losing anything. just more of me on the web.


And I love infomercials. i have sat here and done nothing all morning and I really want a Haan. the power of steam cleaning!

Yesterday, Beau got this snowmobile that he said was mine and we rode around on it with Wally and I feel like I live another life. A Snow Mobile? A Snow Blower? What are these contraptions? I have yet to use a Snow Blower but I love my "Sled".

We went to "the cabin" and as soon as I got off the sled, I was knee deep in snow! OH JOY!!

Very Amazing Night


I never ever thought ever, that I would leave Clarksville. I had dreams, still have dreams, but never thought I would get that free ticket. :) and I got one.

Now that today's complications are out of the way (Thank you very much gmail and google accounts), I will go back to Studying enzymes and gardening.

Is the Library open on Saturdays? I still owe Utica ten bucks. le sigh.

well north and well south

I feel like i need a new spot to post this stuff out. myspace is ok and i'm still lost on the whole facebook scene of notes so i think google is safe enough.

i just want to say how amazing the past two days have been. started on a very stressful note since i'm a spazz but it all worked out. Jt decided he was spontaneous enought to drop everything and head out with us to Boston (which i am very thankful he did!) and this is how the trip went down:

[o] traveled with jt's ezpass to Worcester, MA and stayed at the Crown Plaza hotel and resort. all was pretty golden.
the boys drank and i passed out. and boy did i miss it. they had moved all the furniture (the desks in the hallways near the elevators and chairs near those desks) into the evelvators! then this one douche was chasing them so they push every floor button in every elevator and the guy was being stalled by stops!

why do i have to pass out on the dot? shit man.
next morning we head out to Boston.

[o] so we're driving down the freeway and almost to boston almost almost almost BAM! parking garage. wtf? really? how the hell did they get the roads to work like that.same road too!! the freeway lands into a parking garage. lol lucky for us you dont have to pay for less than 15 minutes.
pass some angry chinese people, get lossed on our TomTom and finally make it to the theatre district. and here comes the magic!
"hi i'd like to make a reservation with your hotel"
"we're all sold out"
" hi i'd like to make a reservation with your hotel, how much for a room tonight"
"250 dollars"
{Jt steps in}
"hi, i'm on a government trip and i'd like to stay at your hotel, how much"
(same hotel mind you)
"169 dollars" !!!!!
bingo! we even used his handicap sign and parked vallet.
so onto the 15th floor we go drop off our stuff and land our way to the original Cheers! :)
"i'dlike a grey goose club soda please."

[o] we travel around for a bit and in the coldness we make our way to the Orpheum Theatre.
as we're marching, we see a group ask us where the Orpheum Theatre is at.
" you going for the Tegan and Sara concert?"
"Yeah!"
"where you from?"
"Utica."
"get out! dude i went to such and such highschool"
"No way! you know so and so?"
and that's how that happened. small world.

Beau wasn't thrilled about the concert because it was a sit down concert. i told him it wasn't THAT kind of concert.

[o] tegan and sara <3

[o] afterconcert, make our way back to concert. my time clock shuts off and sleepy i become. and out the boys went.
there was already a party on our floor and beau and jt go back to moving furniture.
"hey this must be the maintenance elevator" hahaha!

[o] wakeup to Beau andan amazing Valentine's gift and the Good Morning Boston!

[o] " hi i 'd like 3 trolly tickets, yeah military discount" sly dog you :)

and an awesome trolly ride all through out Boston. <3 le sigh greatness.

[o] "old iron sides"
and so we make our way to the navy battleship and the boys be like boys.
i wish i had balls, cuz i'd have amazing photos of more of the ship and of Beau giving orders on the WWII destroyer. lesigh, a chance lost.

[0] finally our trip comes to an end and back to Utica we go.

where to next?